DAMAGES AND EFFECTS OF THE JOB

ORIGINALLY POSTED DECEMBER 2013

DAMAGES AND EFFECTS OF THE JOB 

I have been having trouble sleeping lately… which isn’t unusual for this time of year.  It’s the conflicting emotions of holiday joy alternating with overwhelming sadness each time I tell someone their loved one won’t be coming home again. I find that when the death gets overwhelming I tend to get a little overprotective of those I care about and I tend to reflect too much on my own mortality. Having lost both of my parents in tragic ways, I fear for my own health as I have issues of my own and I want nothing more than to be able to live long and spend it with the love of my life – enjoying life – together. And watching my children enjoy their lives. I don’t need riches but we have worked hard and hope to live comfortably.

I have to be up in 4 hours, which is about the most sleep I have had in days. Although I don’t think I will be getting even 4 hours today. Does it matter – I will likely have the crazy nightmares I have been experiencing lately anyway.

Maybe I should have headed this “bummer words” but this blog is about what’s real in my life and my experiences in death investigation. This is the part they don’t show on TV. The toll it really takes. The people who call me at work, in the middle of the night, because they can’t sleep either and they want to talk to me because I took care of their loved one. People ask me to do special things for their loved ones and I do what I can to accommodate their wishes.  I have gone in and said good night or read written notes to their loved ones.  They ask and it means so much that I feel there is no good reason why I shouldn’t do it and make them feel better.

I guess what I go through sometimes is almost like survivors guilt. How can I be so happy and enjoy my family and the holiday season when I have just told someone the horrible heartbreaking news of their loved one’s death yet how can I waste a valuable opportunity because I know very well my opportunities may be limited and end soon because death does not discriminate. It can come for anyone at any time, it doesn’t matter where you are or what you have done to try and prevent it.  It happens.

So I say enjoy life, take advantage of it, don’t waste it and don’t focus on the wrong things, don’t think it has to be perfect to be good… even the little things are special so treasure them!