Thursday, March 31, 2016


Little did I know when I originally posted this that my father's grief and depression were about to really start getting worse... to the eventual point of suicide - and me finding him. But that will be a post for another time... 

The world of death investigation can be very interesting and yet so heartbreaking. Ironically what I get asked the most is how do I deal with all of the blood, guts, other body fluids, decomposition, maggots and all their little insect friends - and I always reply the same... "That's the easy part"... it's the GRIEF. The all consuming grief that comes with the job. That's the part they don't glam on tv. As death investigators we get called weird, gross, strange and an host of other things because we keep a mental distance from what we do and therefore seem unaffected by it. But, in reality, we mentally consume it all. We KNOW we are working on a person; someone's loved one, someone who had a life and probably did some great things or maybe someone who died tragically and never had a chance. That knowledge reminds us that each day we wake up is a gift, and each day our loved ones wake up is an even bigger gift.

I was an autopsy tech before becoming an investigator. I've done autopsies. On kids. As a mother I can't put into words what it does to the mind to have literally cut up a kid. It's does something to the heart and mind that can never be erased or fixed. Some days I work so hard to mentally distance myself from the job that I wonder if I can come back enough to communicate properly with the "normal" world.

Knocking on doors to announce to someone their loved one is never coming home is an awful task. Because they are instantly grieved and the line between being compassionate and keeping a mental distance = that line is very blurred because EACH time my own grief comes to mind. In the last 6 years I've lost my mother, my grandmother, my godmother and several other friends and family and when I am comforting and speaking with someone who's grieving - grieving because I have just told them the bad news, then I feel my own grief. And sometimes it is persistent. Last night I went to the gym, checked my email and went to bed. It all seemed so simple and yet my mind decided to relive my mother's death and have an all night memorial service for all those I've lost in the last 10 years. All night, even after waking up, shaking it off and going back to sleep, I resumed the memorial. In a way it was nice to remember good times with these loved ones, but that hurts even more when I wake up. And so today, I vent this out, looking for relief because in a few short hours I'll be back on the job... adding to the grief.


I have been having trouble sleeping lately which isnt unusual for this time of year.  Its the conflicting emotions of holiday joy alternating with overwhelming sadness each time I tell someone their loved one wont be coming home again. I find that when the death gets overwhelming I tend to get a little overprotective of those I care about and I tend to reflect too much on my own mortality. Having lost both of my parents in tragic ways, I fear for my own health as I have issues of my own and I want nothing more than to be able to live long and spend it with the love of my life enjoying life together. And watching my children enjoy their lives. I dont need riches but we have worked hard and hope to live comfortably.
I have to be up in 4 hours, which is about the most sleep I have had in days. Although I dont think I will be getting even 4 hours today. Does it matter I will likely have the crazy nightmares I have been experiencing lately anyway.
Maybe I should have headed this bummer words but this blog is about whats real in my life and my experiences in death investigation. This is the part they dont show on TV. The toll it really takes. The people who call me at work, in the middle of the night, because they cant sleep either and they want to talk to me because I took care of their loved one. People ask me to do special things for their loved ones and I do what I can to accommodate their wishes.  I have gone in and said good night or read written notes to their loved ones.  They ask and it means so much that I feel there is no good reason why I shouldnt do it and make them feel better.
I guess what I go through sometimes is almost like survivors guilt. How can I be so happy and enjoy my family and the holiday season when I have just told someone the horrible heartbreaking news of their loved ones death yet how can I waste a valuable opportunity because I know very well my opportunities may be limited and end soon because death does not discriminate. It can come for anyone at any time, it doesnt matter where you are or what you have done to try and prevent it.  It happens.

So I say enjoy life, take advantage of it, dont waste it and dont focus on the wrong things, dont think it has to be perfect to be good even the little things are special so treasure them! 


a little dark and twisty makes an appearance.
It is a good thing no one can see or hear what really goes through my mind sometimes.  On one hand I am a death investigator I am one of the good guys right? But as an aspiring writer and mystery fan I often find myself taking notes while watching TV of ways to kill people or dispose of remain., Or as I drive by remote areas, ravines, and bodies of water I often find myself thinking that would be a good place to dump a body”… dont get me wrong I am still one of the good guys and have NO intention of really killing anyone but the writer in me is always thinking and plotting and sometimes it is quite the conflict in my head which sometimes unfortunately makes me laugh out loud! Of course I cant answer what made me laugh was the thought of where to dump a body when I am at work so I just sound crazy in my cubicle!  I once commented to a friend, since you cant (shouldnt) kill them for real, and you cant kill them with kindness kill them on paper its very therapeutic and a great creative writing exercise LOL! Of course it may be good to destroy the evidence! Makes me wonder how many of the tortured victims in my favorite mystery novels were modeled after someones adversary? We all know many a storys hero is modeled after a real person why not the victim?
Hmmm for those of you NOT good at reading between the lines, yes, I tend to get a bit irritated at some of my coworkers... if you could see how I interact with them and the kindness I show you might suggest I go into acting instead of writing. I am a firm believer of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer! One of my coworkers is one of those people who is too dangerous as an enemy. The kind of person who keeps notes on what people do or say and especially peoples mistakes or anything inappropriate they say or do to her. She also loves to go through peoples papers and any drawer unlocked. I cant count the times I have worked on a file that is past due then left on my desk overnight only to coincidentally suddenly receive an email from supervision about the status of that file.  Either she is going through my desk once again or there is a hidden camera at my desk. When I complete my first murder mystery guess who will likely be the first to die... although that might end up being too anticlimactic....

In a promo for the show Criminal Minds they say the only thing scarier than the mind serial killer is the people hunting them that sounds about right! Perhaps the same can be said about "those who write" about them too!!!! 

WELCOME!! I have decided to share what I call my journey into the abyss of my thoughts

Welcome! I have decided to share what I call my journey into the abyss of my thoughts – which as implied do run deep after my years as a death investigator… there will be personal notes as well because I just can’t resist talking about my emotional support pups, as well as some of the personal tragedy that has helped twist and scar my mind.  My journey was not easy and was in fact, very emotionally difficult.  Prepare yourself for some emotional side notes mixed in with the facts of the job. With this blog as well as my website I hope to educate anyone with questions, and provide a factual journey for writers researching a scene or character in their work.  If you are a writer please be sure to visit my website noted above!! I will not try to write your characters or scenes, but strive to help YOU make them as realistic as you choose!  If you are someone hoping for help to understand an autopsy report or a loved one’s death, use the “contact me” or my email and I will do my best to assist you! 

Again, this is my “personal blog”. For death scene facts and descriptions, click this link

To start out I am going to repost some previous entries written while I was deep in my work because they show the depth of what I was dealing with at that time as well as gives insight to ME.  

READY? Here we go….